Missing You

Dearest Hayden,

 In the last month I have found myself missing you more and more. Now that Grandma is with you I am mourning the 2 of people I have loved most. It makes it so hard to be happy everyday, but then I think that she's with you being the Grandma that she never got to be to you. Tell her hello for me and give her a big squeezy hug.

Love,
  Mommy

The White Rose

I found this beautiful story on fellow Angel Mommy Natalie's Blog and it really hit home. It seems like Hayden has had a lot of new friend's join him in Heaven lately. I know that it should be a joyous thing but I can't help but think of the pain and sadness the families of these perfect angels have to endure.

THE WHITE ROSE

All the Earth's mothers and fathers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers.

Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to Earth,

were nurtured and tended in the garden.

A loving Father spoke to the Mothers and Fathers:

"See the works of my hands, someday you will be the parents of these radiant spirits."

The garden glowed with mixtures of all kinds and colors.

"Choose Ye." He said. One by one mothers and fathers stepped forward.

I want the blue-eyed curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.

Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love

who would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits,

those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an Earthly home.

Now in the East corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels.

They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart.

As these beautiful roses were left unchosen, the Father spoke,

"But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of the garden?

These will return to me in goodness, perfect and pure.

They will not stay long in your home, I must bring them back to my garden,

for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned.

You will miss them and long for them as you complete your mortal journey,

but I will personally care for them. ""No, not I," many said in unison.

"I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said others,

"We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers and fathers

with love in His eyes for someone to step forward.

Then He said, "Silence! See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones, I choose Him.

He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified.

He is my own. Will not anyone choose like unto him?"

A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will."

Then a few fathers, "And I as well.""Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices

their mothers and fathers had made.

The Father spoke again.

"Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses,

for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond

anything you can understand at this time."

The white roses embraced their mothers and fathers,

and so complete was their purity and love that it filled their souls with peace, courage,

and faith. Each mother and father knew they could endure this task.

And the greatest of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks,

and an outpouring of love surrounded each mother, father, and child.

Together the Father and His chosen one, prepared these mothers, fathers,

and their white roses for their special mission.

And together, each mother and father who would bare the mortal pain

of the white roses felt God's overwhelming peace and love as they all shouted,

"Thy will be done."

Halloween Wishes

Hayden,

Oh, how I wish you were here. Your Brother and Sister just realized that Halloween is next Saturday and they are over the moon excited. They tried on their costumes today to make sure that they fit and they ran around the house. Aurora is a Fairy and Sage is Spiderman(big surprise). I wish you were here to run around in your costume, I wonder what you would be.

Love, Mom

Baby Angel

I found this poem on a friends Blog and it touched my heart so I thought i'd share it with you.

Baby Angel

Don't let them say I wasn’t born,
that something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start,
Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was not worthy of me,
God chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face,
you have my word I'll fill my arms,
someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
or make your hearts not ache
I'm watching over all you do,
another child you will bear
Believe me when I say to you,
that I am always there.
There'll come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
stroke my face and kiss my lips
and then you will understand.
Although I have never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes,
that doesn't mean I 'never was'
Because an angel never dies....
Author Unkown

A Mother's Love

I ran across this article today from a few years ago and it made me think of Hayden, and I wanted to share it.

And read this article . . .
http://article.wn.com/view/2008/08/19/A_mothers_grief_Heartbroken_gorilla_cradles_her_dead_baby/

"Holding the lifeless body of her dead child like a rag doll, this female gorilla stares at the corpse in shock and bewilderment, unable to accept that her baby is dead. It is a picture of pure grief. Inconsolable, hers is the raw pain of any mother who has lost a child. While nature may indeed be red in tooth and claw, this moving image of Gana and her dead son Claudio seems to show that members of the animal kingdom can feel the pain of loss just as deeply as we humans. "

. . . and I realize that a mother is a mother. This gorilla mother is shown in this picture cradling her three month old son who had passed away from a suspected heart defect. The article reports that the mother carried her deceased child with her for weeks until she finally laid it down in an apparent acceptance of death. So, I ask this question . . . how different are we as mothers who grieve?

No, I am not going to go into an dissertation about the theory of evolution - or how closely related "they" say we are to monkeys. However, I don't think we are all that different . . . on a motherly level.

Sad Day

Today I ran across a few Blogs about other Angel Babies, and I was instantly sad and angry at the same time. Sad because they had pictures of their Babies and I don't. There are companies and or groups of photographers who go to hospitals and take pictures of the babies and thier families. Angry because as far as I knew nothing like this exisisted when we lost Hayden. I know it's not right for me to be angry but there are days when I go through so many feelings all at once.

Chirstmas with Jesus

"I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, but the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the Angels sing.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, “LOVE” is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings or love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year."