The White Rose

I found this beautiful story on fellow Angel Mommy Natalie's Blog and it really hit home. It seems like Hayden has had a lot of new friend's join him in Heaven lately. I know that it should be a joyous thing but I can't help but think of the pain and sadness the families of these perfect angels have to endure.

THE WHITE ROSE

All the Earth's mothers and fathers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers.

Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to Earth,

were nurtured and tended in the garden.

A loving Father spoke to the Mothers and Fathers:

"See the works of my hands, someday you will be the parents of these radiant spirits."

The garden glowed with mixtures of all kinds and colors.

"Choose Ye." He said. One by one mothers and fathers stepped forward.

I want the blue-eyed curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.

Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love

who would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits,

those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an Earthly home.

Now in the East corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels.

They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart.

As these beautiful roses were left unchosen, the Father spoke,

"But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of the garden?

These will return to me in goodness, perfect and pure.

They will not stay long in your home, I must bring them back to my garden,

for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned.

You will miss them and long for them as you complete your mortal journey,

but I will personally care for them. ""No, not I," many said in unison.

"I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said others,

"We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers and fathers

with love in His eyes for someone to step forward.

Then He said, "Silence! See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones, I choose Him.

He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified.

He is my own. Will not anyone choose like unto him?"

A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will."

Then a few fathers, "And I as well.""Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices

their mothers and fathers had made.

The Father spoke again.

"Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses,

for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond

anything you can understand at this time."

The white roses embraced their mothers and fathers,

and so complete was their purity and love that it filled their souls with peace, courage,

and faith. Each mother and father knew they could endure this task.

And the greatest of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks,

and an outpouring of love surrounded each mother, father, and child.

Together the Father and His chosen one, prepared these mothers, fathers,

and their white roses for their special mission.

And together, each mother and father who would bare the mortal pain

of the white roses felt God's overwhelming peace and love as they all shouted,

"Thy will be done."

Halloween Wishes

Hayden,

Oh, how I wish you were here. Your Brother and Sister just realized that Halloween is next Saturday and they are over the moon excited. They tried on their costumes today to make sure that they fit and they ran around the house. Aurora is a Fairy and Sage is Spiderman(big surprise). I wish you were here to run around in your costume, I wonder what you would be.

Love, Mom

Baby Angel

I found this poem on a friends Blog and it touched my heart so I thought i'd share it with you.

Baby Angel

Don't let them say I wasn’t born,
that something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start,
Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was not worthy of me,
God chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face,
you have my word I'll fill my arms,
someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
or make your hearts not ache
I'm watching over all you do,
another child you will bear
Believe me when I say to you,
that I am always there.
There'll come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
stroke my face and kiss my lips
and then you will understand.
Although I have never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes,
that doesn't mean I 'never was'
Because an angel never dies....
Author Unkown

A Mother's Love

I ran across this article today from a few years ago and it made me think of Hayden, and I wanted to share it.

And read this article . . .
http://article.wn.com/view/2008/08/19/A_mothers_grief_Heartbroken_gorilla_cradles_her_dead_baby/

"Holding the lifeless body of her dead child like a rag doll, this female gorilla stares at the corpse in shock and bewilderment, unable to accept that her baby is dead. It is a picture of pure grief. Inconsolable, hers is the raw pain of any mother who has lost a child. While nature may indeed be red in tooth and claw, this moving image of Gana and her dead son Claudio seems to show that members of the animal kingdom can feel the pain of loss just as deeply as we humans. "

. . . and I realize that a mother is a mother. This gorilla mother is shown in this picture cradling her three month old son who had passed away from a suspected heart defect. The article reports that the mother carried her deceased child with her for weeks until she finally laid it down in an apparent acceptance of death. So, I ask this question . . . how different are we as mothers who grieve?

No, I am not going to go into an dissertation about the theory of evolution - or how closely related "they" say we are to monkeys. However, I don't think we are all that different . . . on a motherly level.

Sad Day

Today I ran across a few Blogs about other Angel Babies, and I was instantly sad and angry at the same time. Sad because they had pictures of their Babies and I don't. There are companies and or groups of photographers who go to hospitals and take pictures of the babies and thier families. Angry because as far as I knew nothing like this exisisted when we lost Hayden. I know it's not right for me to be angry but there are days when I go through so many feelings all at once.

Chirstmas with Jesus

"I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, but the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the Angels sing.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, “LOVE” is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings or love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year."

Lullabies

I found this poem on a fellow Angel Mommies Blog and had to share it. It really touched me. It really helped me through a tough moment this morning.

Lullabies

Daddy, Please don't look so sad.Mama please don't cry-
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you,and then he changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky each night,
Find the brightest start that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So, Daddy please don't look so sad. Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Author~Claudette T. Allen

Joseph & Emma Smith ~ Examples of Strength

I have been reading more and more lately about Joseph Smith. I am amazed at the strength of this man and even more so of his wife, Emma Smith. Not only did they sacrifice for the Church, but they lost many of they're children. I can't imagine how hard it was for them. I found this quote from him earlier this week, and it made me cry and realize the truth of what I've been told about Hayden many times.

"The Lord takes away many, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." ~ Joseph Smith

Surviving

I came across this poem today on a friends Blog. It fits perfectly!

My Mom Is a Survivor

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I’ve heard it said.

But I can hear her crying at night

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach

That never wash away…

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others…

A smile of disguise!

But though Heaven’s door I see

Tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death

To keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her, knows

It is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through Heaven’s open door…

I try to tell her that angels

Protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her…

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her…

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says…

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.

By Kaye Des’Ormeaux

8-27-03

Hayden,

I had a dream last night that you were here and that everything else was just a nightmare. I didn't want to wake up.

I know that everything has happened for a reason even though i still don't understand that reason. Sometimes I get so angry with Heavenly Father for taking you from me. Sometimes I wonder if you would have been happy here with Mommy and Daddy. We love you so much!

Love,
Mommy

8-15-03

Dearest Hayden,

Thank you so much for last night. I now know that your happy and that there are more children in our future. I don't know what I did to deserve to have such a perfect little boy.

Love,
Mommy

7-23-03

Dearest Hayden,

My sweet baby boy; life just isn;t very fair lately. First I loose you and now i'm worried that I might loose Grandma as well. She's having surgery today to remove some cancer. I don't think I can handle losing both of you so close together.

I miss you so much baby! If I just knew that you were okay, I wish I could see and hold you again. I still remember your face and especially your scent. I can't wait to see you again.

Mommy and Daddy are thinking about trying to have another baby. If there are any more babies for us please help them and protect them and tell them all about life here on earth.

Love,

Mommy

6-24-03

Dearest Hayden,

Today I really missed you! I've learned to just keep myself busy, so that I don't get too depressed.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet little face and how much you look like your daddy. Whenever I look at Daddy I see you, and it always seems to put me in a good mood.

Daddy has a new calling at church, he;s the Gospel Doctrine Teacher. Mommy of course is back in Primary.

We love you and miss you very much!

Love,
Mommy

6-10-03

Dearest Hayden,

It's been 3 months and 19 days since I losr you, since I last held you and kissed you. I miss your sweet face.

There are days when all I want to do is cry, and that's all I do. All I have to do is look at your sweet face and I remember all the happy times when I could feel you kicking.

I can't wait to hold you, love you, kiss you again. I'm trying so hard to be good so that I can see you again.

I know that Heavenly Father is taking good care of you; especially Heavenly Mother. I can't wait until the day when we are re-united as a family. We love you very much!

Love,
Mommy

Journal Entries

A few months after I Hayden returned to his Heavenly Father I started a journal. I'll be transcribing those entries over the next few days.

Balloons!

This year for Hayden's Birthday we started a new tradition. We sent him some balloons; one for every year he is old. This year we sent 8, it should have been 6 but Sage insisted we have green balloons in addition to the others because Hayden likes green.



Every year we dedicate that day to Hayden. We spend the day together as a family and have all sorts of fun!

Our Baby Boy

This is one of the pictures that the Nurses in the NICU took of Hayden for us. It has always brought me peace.

Hayden's Story

Here's Hayden's Story. There's a lot I don't remember but this is what i know. Robert has all the other details.

Robert and I had just returned from San Diego where we has spent Christmas in 2002. Soon after we arrived back in Salt Lake, I started to get sick. We all just thought it was morning sickness mixed with a cold, so life went on. Robert at the time was working two jobs and a going to school, so he was rarely ever home. I was in bed all day, it took all the strength I had to even move. On Feb 21st I awoke at 7am to Hayden kicking the crap out of me. I had doctor's appointment that day so, we went to the doctor, he(Dr.Barton) took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He sent for some blood work and sent me home. Meanwhile... Robert had to go to work.

The doctor called and said to go to the hospital but not his hospital he wanted me to go to University of Utah Hospital. I didn't know why at that point, so I called my Mother-In-Law Mary and she came to get me. I managed to hike up the stairs to the car and then realized I forgot my insurance card so i had to go back down and get it. On my way back up to the car I fell we had to call the neighbors to come and help me up. We got in the car and started our drive. It took us 45 minutes to get to the hospital. Once there all the nurses and doctors looked at me in awe and said that I should not be standing let alone walking. I had no idea what they were talking about, so I just brushed it off. They wheeled me into a room while they had me change into a hospital gown and administered an IV. I don't remember that part though. They asked where my husband was and I told them he was at work. They flipped out and wanted his work number, only i couldn't remember it, so they had to look it up in the phone book. I remember thinking... "I'm just here for fluids why does he have to be here?" The doctors came in an told me that Hayden had died and that they had to get him out because I was dying and fast. I said.."Oh Okay." and they looked at shocked I was really out of it and didn't know half of what was going on.

Robert finally arrived and they told him about Hayden and me and so he called my parent's. I heard his end of the conversation. He was using all of these medical terms and then i heard a few words i knew. Septic, Deliver, Die, Bad Heart, Toxic. It was then I realized what was happening to me. I really was dying. The doctors said that Hayden had been dead for days and he was causing me to have problems. I knew that wasn't true; I knew I felt him that morning. But, I knew that I was dying, and it was okay with me. I wanted to die along with Hayden. What was the point in me living if i didn't have him. I had already had 1 miscarriage and didn't think I could handle losing another child. They took mt into the ICU instead of the Maternity Ward thank goodness. It was there that I was pumped full of morphine and other drugs to try to save my life. They gave me pitosin to start labor. I was in a lot of pain all night. Then finally at midnight they had me start pushing. Hayden was delivered at 2:15am on February 22, 2003. I never screamed once and wasn't aware enough to hold him, so they took him away. It was then that I decided that I wanted to live. I saw the look in Robert's eye's and knew that I had to live for him. I fell asleep that night as the nurses changed the sheets of the hospital bed with me in it, and woke up at 9am with them shoving food at me demanding that I eat something. I ate, and wanted to sleep again but then the doctors and students came in and started asking my questions about what had happened leading up to me being so sick. I gave all 20 of them the same answers. I was wondering what was up with all the repetitiveness and was very annoyed. My life was still at risk and they were making me miserable. Yes.... my blood and gone septic and because of that my heart had gone toxic. I was a ticking time bomb. I later learned that they had never seen anything like me and that I should have been dead days earlier. My parent's finally arrived and convinced me that it would be good to see Hayden before the funeral. So the nurses brought him in and i sat and held my baby boy and gave him a name. He was the spitting image of his Father, not one ounce of me in him. As the day progressed I received 3 blood transfusions and my blood was no longer septic. They pumped me full of vitamins and potassium. I received a blessing and no that I was out of the woods, my family decided that Robert needed a night away so he and his brother went to a Jazz Game to help him relax.

The night of the 22nd I was moved from the ICU and taken off the heart monitor. On the 23rd I was recovering at a rapid rate and everyone was shocked and amazed. I was now aware enough that it was time to start planning the funeral. We pulled out the phone book and felt compelled to choose Mc Dougal Mortuary. They turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was later moved that day to my own private room, at the east side of the hospital. It was so nice to be in my own large spacious room with tons of room for my family to be. The hospital knew that we were Mormon and so they brought in a huge cart full of milk, juice, bagels, muffins, crackers ands snacks, so any visitors i had could eat and not spend money.

I spent the next three days recovering while my Mom and Robert's Mom took care of the Funeral plans. Robert had to return to work but he returned after his paper-route and stayed with me until he ad to go to school and then went straight to work and would come visit me after and then sleep on the floor in my room, until the nurses came in and said he could sleep in the hospital bed with me. This wasn't your average nasty hospital bed. It was so comfortable. The nurses came in every 2 hours to draw blood and I got to create my own menu for my meals. I had to learn how to walk again and had it mastered in a day, the doctors were shocked and so was i. I had to go on walks around the hospital a few times a day. On the 25th I was told I could go home if i could walk around the nurses station without help. I practiced all day and failed each time. Finally i was able to do it. The next day i was released from the hospital. I was sent home with a mini drug store and told to stay in bed until I returned to full strength.

The next day the 26th was Hayden's Funeral. It was a beautiful service and I'll never forget it. It hit me when Robert and my Brother Danny carried the little casket up to where we were. I lost it and cried through the rest of the service. We then went to the church and had lunch and then we all went home and i slept the rest of the day. It was then in a dream that I saw Hayden. He told he was fine and that would wait for us and he could keep us safe and would send us two more babies for us to love. The doctors said no more babies, but we made a deal and said we'd wait 6 months before we tried again. Now the job of picking out a headstone had come to Robert and I. We went to Mc Dougals and looked at designs and settled on one we really liked and picked out a flower cup and ordered it. Imagine my surprise when they gave us the bill and instead of $800 it was only $375. I found out that day that they had only charged us half of everything or just gave things to us for free. They were truly angels and we think of them as family. I will always be indebted to them for the love they showed Robert and I in our time of need. It is because of them that we can afford to have Hayden closer to us next year. There's much more to write but I can't see through my tears anymore. I'll write again soon.