Hayden,
I had a dream last night that you were here and that everything else was just a nightmare. I didn't want to wake up.
I know that everything has happened for a reason even though i still don't understand that reason. Sometimes I get so angry with Heavenly Father for taking you from me. Sometimes I wonder if you would have been happy here with Mommy and Daddy. We love you so much!
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, April 23, 2009
8-15-03
Dearest Hayden,
Thank you so much for last night. I now know that your happy and that there are more children in our future. I don't know what I did to deserve to have such a perfect little boy.
Love,
Mommy
Thank you so much for last night. I now know that your happy and that there are more children in our future. I don't know what I did to deserve to have such a perfect little boy.
Love,
Mommy
7-23-03
Dearest Hayden,
My sweet baby boy; life just isn;t very fair lately. First I loose you and now i'm worried that I might loose Grandma as well. She's having surgery today to remove some cancer. I don't think I can handle losing both of you so close together.
I miss you so much baby! If I just knew that you were okay, I wish I could see and hold you again. I still remember your face and especially your scent. I can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy are thinking about trying to have another baby. If there are any more babies for us please help them and protect them and tell them all about life here on earth.
Love,
Mommy
My sweet baby boy; life just isn;t very fair lately. First I loose you and now i'm worried that I might loose Grandma as well. She's having surgery today to remove some cancer. I don't think I can handle losing both of you so close together.
I miss you so much baby! If I just knew that you were okay, I wish I could see and hold you again. I still remember your face and especially your scent. I can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy are thinking about trying to have another baby. If there are any more babies for us please help them and protect them and tell them all about life here on earth.
Love,
Mommy
6-24-03
Dearest Hayden,
Today I really missed you! I've learned to just keep myself busy, so that I don't get too depressed.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet little face and how much you look like your daddy. Whenever I look at Daddy I see you, and it always seems to put me in a good mood.
Daddy has a new calling at church, he;s the Gospel Doctrine Teacher. Mommy of course is back in Primary.
We love you and miss you very much!
Love,
Mommy
Today I really missed you! I've learned to just keep myself busy, so that I don't get too depressed.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet little face and how much you look like your daddy. Whenever I look at Daddy I see you, and it always seems to put me in a good mood.
Daddy has a new calling at church, he;s the Gospel Doctrine Teacher. Mommy of course is back in Primary.
We love you and miss you very much!
Love,
Mommy
6-10-03
Dearest Hayden,
It's been 3 months and 19 days since I losr you, since I last held you and kissed you. I miss your sweet face.
There are days when all I want to do is cry, and that's all I do. All I have to do is look at your sweet face and I remember all the happy times when I could feel you kicking.
I can't wait to hold you, love you, kiss you again. I'm trying so hard to be good so that I can see you again.
I know that Heavenly Father is taking good care of you; especially Heavenly Mother. I can't wait until the day when we are re-united as a family. We love you very much!
Love,
Mommy
It's been 3 months and 19 days since I losr you, since I last held you and kissed you. I miss your sweet face.
There are days when all I want to do is cry, and that's all I do. All I have to do is look at your sweet face and I remember all the happy times when I could feel you kicking.
I can't wait to hold you, love you, kiss you again. I'm trying so hard to be good so that I can see you again.
I know that Heavenly Father is taking good care of you; especially Heavenly Mother. I can't wait until the day when we are re-united as a family. We love you very much!
Love,
Mommy
Journal Entries
A few months after I Hayden returned to his Heavenly Father I started a journal. I'll be transcribing those entries over the next few days.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Balloons!
This year for Hayden's Birthday we started a new tradition. We sent him some balloons; one for every year he is old. This year we sent 8, it should have been 6 but Sage insisted we have green balloons in addition to the others because Hayden likes green.
Every year we dedicate that day to Hayden. We spend the day together as a family and have all sorts of fun!
Every year we dedicate that day to Hayden. We spend the day together as a family and have all sorts of fun!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Our Baby Boy
This is one of the pictures that the Nurses in the NICU took of Hayden for us. It has always brought me peace.
Hayden's Story
Here's Hayden's Story. There's a lot I don't remember but this is what i know. Robert has all the other details.
Robert and I had just returned from San Diego where we has spent Christmas in 2002. Soon after we arrived back in Salt Lake, I started to get sick. We all just thought it was morning sickness mixed with a cold, so life went on. Robert at the time was working two jobs and a going to school, so he was rarely ever home. I was in bed all day, it took all the strength I had to even move. On Feb 21st I awoke at 7am to Hayden kicking the crap out of me. I had doctor's appointment that day so, we went to the doctor, he(Dr.Barton) took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He sent for some blood work and sent me home. Meanwhile... Robert had to go to work.
The doctor called and said to go to the hospital but not his hospital he wanted me to go to University of Utah Hospital. I didn't know why at that point, so I called my Mother-In-Law Mary and she came to get me. I managed to hike up the stairs to the car and then realized I forgot my insurance card so i had to go back down and get it. On my way back up to the car I fell we had to call the neighbors to come and help me up. We got in the car and started our drive. It took us 45 minutes to get to the hospital. Once there all the nurses and doctors looked at me in awe and said that I should not be standing let alone walking. I had no idea what they were talking about, so I just brushed it off. They wheeled me into a room while they had me change into a hospital gown and administered an IV. I don't remember that part though. They asked where my husband was and I told them he was at work. They flipped out and wanted his work number, only i couldn't remember it, so they had to look it up in the phone book. I remember thinking... "I'm just here for fluids why does he have to be here?" The doctors came in an told me that Hayden had died and that they had to get him out because I was dying and fast. I said.."Oh Okay." and they looked at shocked I was really out of it and didn't know half of what was going on.
Robert finally arrived and they told him about Hayden and me and so he called my parent's. I heard his end of the conversation. He was using all of these medical terms and then i heard a few words i knew. Septic, Deliver, Die, Bad Heart, Toxic. It was then I realized what was happening to me. I really was dying. The doctors said that Hayden had been dead for days and he was causing me to have problems. I knew that wasn't true; I knew I felt him that morning. But, I knew that I was dying, and it was okay with me. I wanted to die along with Hayden. What was the point in me living if i didn't have him. I had already had 1 miscarriage and didn't think I could handle losing another child. They took mt into the ICU instead of the Maternity Ward thank goodness. It was there that I was pumped full of morphine and other drugs to try to save my life. They gave me pitosin to start labor. I was in a lot of pain all night. Then finally at midnight they had me start pushing. Hayden was delivered at 2:15am on February 22, 2003. I never screamed once and wasn't aware enough to hold him, so they took him away. It was then that I decided that I wanted to live. I saw the look in Robert's eye's and knew that I had to live for him. I fell asleep that night as the nurses changed the sheets of the hospital bed with me in it, and woke up at 9am with them shoving food at me demanding that I eat something. I ate, and wanted to sleep again but then the doctors and students came in and started asking my questions about what had happened leading up to me being so sick. I gave all 20 of them the same answers. I was wondering what was up with all the repetitiveness and was very annoyed. My life was still at risk and they were making me miserable. Yes.... my blood and gone septic and because of that my heart had gone toxic. I was a ticking time bomb. I later learned that they had never seen anything like me and that I should have been dead days earlier. My parent's finally arrived and convinced me that it would be good to see Hayden before the funeral. So the nurses brought him in and i sat and held my baby boy and gave him a name. He was the spitting image of his Father, not one ounce of me in him. As the day progressed I received 3 blood transfusions and my blood was no longer septic. They pumped me full of vitamins and potassium. I received a blessing and no that I was out of the woods, my family decided that Robert needed a night away so he and his brother went to a Jazz Game to help him relax.
The night of the 22nd I was moved from the ICU and taken off the heart monitor. On the 23rd I was recovering at a rapid rate and everyone was shocked and amazed. I was now aware enough that it was time to start planning the funeral. We pulled out the phone book and felt compelled to choose Mc Dougal Mortuary. They turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was later moved that day to my own private room, at the east side of the hospital. It was so nice to be in my own large spacious room with tons of room for my family to be. The hospital knew that we were Mormon and so they brought in a huge cart full of milk, juice, bagels, muffins, crackers ands snacks, so any visitors i had could eat and not spend money.
I spent the next three days recovering while my Mom and Robert's Mom took care of the Funeral plans. Robert had to return to work but he returned after his paper-route and stayed with me until he ad to go to school and then went straight to work and would come visit me after and then sleep on the floor in my room, until the nurses came in and said he could sleep in the hospital bed with me. This wasn't your average nasty hospital bed. It was so comfortable. The nurses came in every 2 hours to draw blood and I got to create my own menu for my meals. I had to learn how to walk again and had it mastered in a day, the doctors were shocked and so was i. I had to go on walks around the hospital a few times a day. On the 25th I was told I could go home if i could walk around the nurses station without help. I practiced all day and failed each time. Finally i was able to do it. The next day i was released from the hospital. I was sent home with a mini drug store and told to stay in bed until I returned to full strength.
The next day the 26th was Hayden's Funeral. It was a beautiful service and I'll never forget it. It hit me when Robert and my Brother Danny carried the little casket up to where we were. I lost it and cried through the rest of the service. We then went to the church and had lunch and then we all went home and i slept the rest of the day. It was then in a dream that I saw Hayden. He told he was fine and that would wait for us and he could keep us safe and would send us two more babies for us to love. The doctors said no more babies, but we made a deal and said we'd wait 6 months before we tried again. Now the job of picking out a headstone had come to Robert and I. We went to Mc Dougals and looked at designs and settled on one we really liked and picked out a flower cup and ordered it. Imagine my surprise when they gave us the bill and instead of $800 it was only $375. I found out that day that they had only charged us half of everything or just gave things to us for free. They were truly angels and we think of them as family. I will always be indebted to them for the love they showed Robert and I in our time of need. It is because of them that we can afford to have Hayden closer to us next year. There's much more to write but I can't see through my tears anymore. I'll write again soon.
Robert and I had just returned from San Diego where we has spent Christmas in 2002. Soon after we arrived back in Salt Lake, I started to get sick. We all just thought it was morning sickness mixed with a cold, so life went on. Robert at the time was working two jobs and a going to school, so he was rarely ever home. I was in bed all day, it took all the strength I had to even move. On Feb 21st I awoke at 7am to Hayden kicking the crap out of me. I had doctor's appointment that day so, we went to the doctor, he(Dr.Barton) took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He sent for some blood work and sent me home. Meanwhile... Robert had to go to work.
The doctor called and said to go to the hospital but not his hospital he wanted me to go to University of Utah Hospital. I didn't know why at that point, so I called my Mother-In-Law Mary and she came to get me. I managed to hike up the stairs to the car and then realized I forgot my insurance card so i had to go back down and get it. On my way back up to the car I fell we had to call the neighbors to come and help me up. We got in the car and started our drive. It took us 45 minutes to get to the hospital. Once there all the nurses and doctors looked at me in awe and said that I should not be standing let alone walking. I had no idea what they were talking about, so I just brushed it off. They wheeled me into a room while they had me change into a hospital gown and administered an IV. I don't remember that part though. They asked where my husband was and I told them he was at work. They flipped out and wanted his work number, only i couldn't remember it, so they had to look it up in the phone book. I remember thinking... "I'm just here for fluids why does he have to be here?" The doctors came in an told me that Hayden had died and that they had to get him out because I was dying and fast. I said.."Oh Okay." and they looked at shocked I was really out of it and didn't know half of what was going on.
Robert finally arrived and they told him about Hayden and me and so he called my parent's. I heard his end of the conversation. He was using all of these medical terms and then i heard a few words i knew. Septic, Deliver, Die, Bad Heart, Toxic. It was then I realized what was happening to me. I really was dying. The doctors said that Hayden had been dead for days and he was causing me to have problems. I knew that wasn't true; I knew I felt him that morning. But, I knew that I was dying, and it was okay with me. I wanted to die along with Hayden. What was the point in me living if i didn't have him. I had already had 1 miscarriage and didn't think I could handle losing another child. They took mt into the ICU instead of the Maternity Ward thank goodness. It was there that I was pumped full of morphine and other drugs to try to save my life. They gave me pitosin to start labor. I was in a lot of pain all night. Then finally at midnight they had me start pushing. Hayden was delivered at 2:15am on February 22, 2003. I never screamed once and wasn't aware enough to hold him, so they took him away. It was then that I decided that I wanted to live. I saw the look in Robert's eye's and knew that I had to live for him. I fell asleep that night as the nurses changed the sheets of the hospital bed with me in it, and woke up at 9am with them shoving food at me demanding that I eat something. I ate, and wanted to sleep again but then the doctors and students came in and started asking my questions about what had happened leading up to me being so sick. I gave all 20 of them the same answers. I was wondering what was up with all the repetitiveness and was very annoyed. My life was still at risk and they were making me miserable. Yes.... my blood and gone septic and because of that my heart had gone toxic. I was a ticking time bomb. I later learned that they had never seen anything like me and that I should have been dead days earlier. My parent's finally arrived and convinced me that it would be good to see Hayden before the funeral. So the nurses brought him in and i sat and held my baby boy and gave him a name. He was the spitting image of his Father, not one ounce of me in him. As the day progressed I received 3 blood transfusions and my blood was no longer septic. They pumped me full of vitamins and potassium. I received a blessing and no that I was out of the woods, my family decided that Robert needed a night away so he and his brother went to a Jazz Game to help him relax.
The night of the 22nd I was moved from the ICU and taken off the heart monitor. On the 23rd I was recovering at a rapid rate and everyone was shocked and amazed. I was now aware enough that it was time to start planning the funeral. We pulled out the phone book and felt compelled to choose Mc Dougal Mortuary. They turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was later moved that day to my own private room, at the east side of the hospital. It was so nice to be in my own large spacious room with tons of room for my family to be. The hospital knew that we were Mormon and so they brought in a huge cart full of milk, juice, bagels, muffins, crackers ands snacks, so any visitors i had could eat and not spend money.
I spent the next three days recovering while my Mom and Robert's Mom took care of the Funeral plans. Robert had to return to work but he returned after his paper-route and stayed with me until he ad to go to school and then went straight to work and would come visit me after and then sleep on the floor in my room, until the nurses came in and said he could sleep in the hospital bed with me. This wasn't your average nasty hospital bed. It was so comfortable. The nurses came in every 2 hours to draw blood and I got to create my own menu for my meals. I had to learn how to walk again and had it mastered in a day, the doctors were shocked and so was i. I had to go on walks around the hospital a few times a day. On the 25th I was told I could go home if i could walk around the nurses station without help. I practiced all day and failed each time. Finally i was able to do it. The next day i was released from the hospital. I was sent home with a mini drug store and told to stay in bed until I returned to full strength.
The next day the 26th was Hayden's Funeral. It was a beautiful service and I'll never forget it. It hit me when Robert and my Brother Danny carried the little casket up to where we were. I lost it and cried through the rest of the service. We then went to the church and had lunch and then we all went home and i slept the rest of the day. It was then in a dream that I saw Hayden. He told he was fine and that would wait for us and he could keep us safe and would send us two more babies for us to love. The doctors said no more babies, but we made a deal and said we'd wait 6 months before we tried again. Now the job of picking out a headstone had come to Robert and I. We went to Mc Dougals and looked at designs and settled on one we really liked and picked out a flower cup and ordered it. Imagine my surprise when they gave us the bill and instead of $800 it was only $375. I found out that day that they had only charged us half of everything or just gave things to us for free. They were truly angels and we think of them as family. I will always be indebted to them for the love they showed Robert and I in our time of need. It is because of them that we can afford to have Hayden closer to us next year. There's much more to write but I can't see through my tears anymore. I'll write again soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)